"Life is a state of mind; imagine the one that you want, and then create it."
- Unknown
TEACHERS
Part I
I'm always amazed at where the lessons of life come from. My 92 year-old father underwent major surgery back in November to take care of a rather serious aortic aneurysm. The surgery figured to be a risky one for a man of that age, and it captured the rapt attention of the entire family, to be sure. My oldest twins managed to commandeer someone's car every night for four days in order to be around their grandfather and grandmother during this time; they were even at the hospital sometimes when the rest of us were not, and I was sort of impressed with that.
It wasn't until my dad had recovered enough to be conversational that I heard from him about a particular trip made by one of the girls. It seems that on this particular Friday evening, the rains were heavy and the Minnesota temperatures were finally dropping to where they frequently are at this time of year. My daughter, Molly, and her boyfriend had taken the 90-minute trip to Rochester (home of the famous Mayo Clinic) through the rains, and had just entered the downtown area, on their way to the hospital and eventually to dinner.
While waiting at a stoplight, Molly and Andrew noticed an elderly woman slowly making her way on the crosswalk, several grocery bags in hand, without raincoat or umbrella. When the stoplight turned green, she was no more than halfway through the intersection and very directly blocking the traffic. Her steps grew ever more tentative as she warily watched the cars. And Molly jumped out of the car, into the rain without even a jacket, and ran to this woman's side.
Molly asked if she could help, and even in her current predicament the elderly woman hesitated to accept the assistance. But she allowed Molly to take a couple of the bags and to escort her by the arm to the street curb. Once they had reached the safety of the sidewalk, Molly inquired as to the woman's destination. "Oh, it's just up the street," she replied. Molly figured that since she was already wet she might as well assist a bit further on up the street.
After they had covered another block or so, Molly asked again about the woman's destination. The older woman said it was still a bit further but that she could manage from that point on. But by now, Molly wasn't buying it. She insisted on staying with her charge, despite the fact that Andrew was still in the car, circling the block now several times, in order to keep his eye on the unlikely pair.
By the time the two had traveled a total of 15 minutes and covered three city blocks, the woman finally reached the front door entrance to her apartment building. She was grateful to Molly for the aid and said so repeatedly, until Andrew pulled up to the curbside and Molly climbed into the car and out of the rain.
Molly was soaked, of course, but insistent on getting to the hospital for her intended visit with her grandfather. She and Andrew laughed about the spontaneity of the episode and the curiosity of an old woman, out alone, in the rain, burdened with her shopping bags. They also speculated as to the receptivity of the restaurant to a customer who now looked something like a flood refugee.
Molly kept her visit with my dad, and even enjoyed a late, damp dinner with Andrew that night. But she also forged a number of very powerful memories. First, naturally, there is Molly. She will remember choosing to become drenched in rain and good deeds. But whether from pride or from a recounting of youthful exploits, she will not forget.
Next, there is Andrew. He played a role in what happened, but what must he think of a girlfriend who would act with such careless compassion? Whether he regards it as an endearing quality or bizarre behavior, I wager that he has been part of nothing quite like it before or since.
Then, there is my dad. He does not recall a great deal about the days immediately following his operation, but he does remember Molly and Andrew's visit that night. Maybe he was just coincidentally reaching some stage of consciousness on that Friday eve. Or maybe he was struck by the loving actions of a granddaughter and somehow the impression stayed with him.
And there is the senior citizen herself. I find myself wondering what she might think about the young woman who rather selflessly came to her assistance that night. Did it warm her on that evening, or perhaps even still today? Maybe she thinks that the young people today are not so bad, after all. Perhaps Molly might have reminded the woman of her own grandchild, or her own daughter.
I know that I will not forget this story. I don't know whether or when Molly would have related it to me. Maybe she would have been afraid to tell such a story of such impetuous behavior. But for all of its impulsiveness, Molly's act contained a lesson of very basic truth: we need to be here for each other. That's not necessarily a view that Molly has learned, but rather one that she, and all of us, were born with if we can just discover it.
The things that I continue to learn from my kids...
Part II
Meanwhile, my "old man" is an amazement to me. He's a guy who could always do everything, a carpenter, a business executive, an athlete, a man of faith, a husband of some 60 years, a terrific dad. He has been a very active man for his entire life, one who still rises at 5:00 every morning to do calisthenics, clean the house, do the errands with my mom, and who absolutely has to do a 30-minute aerobic workout in the afternoon.
So it was worrisome when he had the surgery for an aortic aneurysm. I had very little knowledge about such a thing, but the prospect of this energetic, sharp-minded guy undergoing open-chest surgery sent me scrambling to the Internet, to medical books and ultimately to doctors for information and understanding. When the due diligence was complete, the entire family was of the same, unmistakable opinion: Dad needed the surgery despite the risks to his 92 year-old body. The surgeons were straightforward enough to describe those risks and probabilities in the clearest of terms: this was going to be severely traumatic, both physically and emotionally for him (and maybe for all the rest of us, too).
Our family gathered together in the week preceding the operation, to hold onto each other, to discuss the logistics of getting my mom to and from the hospital in Rochester and to be generally supportive. My older brother flew in from Sacramento, my younger brother came back from work travel (he's a multi-line clothing rep) and my daughters came home from college for a weekend visit. Although it was unspoken, we all felt the possibility of this being a last family gathering with Dad.
On the eve of the surgery I visited him, presumably to "shore him up" and take his mind off what was coming. As he had been throughout the weeks leading up to it, my dad was calm, jovial, jesting with the medical folks who were busy preparing him. In a private moment I asked him the obvious question: was he feeling nervous or scared? His response was immediate and strong. "I figure that if it's my time, then I have led a long and fulfilled life the way I hoped. I could ask for little more than that. If it's not my time, then I'm thankful for whatever additional days I may have, because I've been blessed." I remember wondering on my way home that evening whether this was how he truly felt, or whether he thought it was simply a brave and "noble" way to feel.
My dad survived the surgery. In retrospect, there were moments when he says that he figured he would not make it, such was his discomfort. But he defied just about everyone's expectations but his own. In fact, an expected 10-14 day hospital stay pared down to 6 days, eliciting wonder and awe from the medical staff watching over him. The nurse in charge of the Intensive Care Unit pulled me aside at one point to tell me, "Working with your father has been an absolute privilege! His physical recovery and attitude are amazing! It's one of the most remarkable recuperations I've ever seen." Doctors from elsewhere in the hospital came to meet him and observe what was taking place. Strangely, I felt great pride in my dad.
By Christmas, Dad was back to driving (he and Mom recently bought a new Subaru Outback with all-wheel drive because they think it looks "cool"). He had begun his exercise regimen again, including stints on the exercise bike. The other night he happened to see a commercial on television for a brand of hot dog, and for the first time since that early November family gathering he experienced appetite; he downed two of those advertised dogs the next day!
As I hung up the phone after a recent chat, I thought to myself that, even at our advanced ages, my dad is still teaching me about attitude and spirit, integrity and grace. Maybe I just never expected that to still be happening, but it's terrific….
Is there any point to these stories, beyond being possibly interesting family holiday tales? I'm biased, but I think so. Aside from the lesson of either story alone, when I reflect on my daughter and my dad I'm amazed at the depth of what they have taught me over the past weeks. Our ages have not mattered. Our previous professional or life experiences have not mattered. The usual family relationship patterns have not mattered. Only two things counted: that two people facing circumstances that they had not created themselves responded heroically, as all of us can. And that someone else, namely me, was open to seeing it and learning something from it. I didn't intend to. I didn't expect to. But it happened nonetheless, and I am different today because of it.
In the busy-ness of our lives the lessons are easy to overlook. Interactions with family and everyday colleagues and customers are seemingly the same today as they have always been. But look a little deeper. Be willing. Become your own version of "a learning organization." On the doorstep of a New Year, I encourage you to be especially open to learning, and the lessons that are right before you. They will enrich your life, and make you a better spouse, a better parent, a better professional, a better person. And there's hardly anything better than that.